Returning to Wholeness through embracing the DARK with LaVina D’Anjolell

Exploring Triggering Language

Cilia: I feel like what we were talking about before could have been recorded too. But yeah, we’re on it.

LaVina: Yeah. We’re divine channels.

Cilia: Yeah, we’re just flowing. So, before we hit record, we were talking about not being triggered by certain words and I think it’s so interesting to notice those moments and then, what that dives us into, cuz we’re curious and we’re like, “Ooh….If this word doesn’t trigger me and it has to do with my body and sexuality, let me do this thing over here that’s talking about sexuality and let me just like see what happens.

LaVina: Is that what happened?

Cilia: Yeah, it’s really funny what happened, I was in this masterclass and the person leading it was saying the word “pussy” a lot. And I was noticing I didn’t get that same ping of discomfort, like I was okay with the word pussy.

So then I was curious about her other offerings. I was on her website and there was a program called Orgasmic Abundance. And honestly, when I read it, I was triggered. I was like,” Uhuh, not for me, nope. Not doing that.”

I ended up signing up for something else on this person’s website but there was something weird going on in her backend that I received orgasmic abundance.

Lavina: That’s amazing.

Cilia: Right. And I was like, Thank you universe. And then that led to a whole other, like, it led me to Layla Martin and, um, who’s the woman that wrote the book called Pussy?

LaVina: I forget her name. Um, pussy. A Reclamation.

Cilia: Yeah, it’s amazing the huge doors and doors that open and the shifts that you get when you see something that was once traumatizing or triggering in a whole new light.

LaVina: I love that. Yeah. It’s like the portal and that our yoni is a portal. So as there’s a greater acceptance and connection to the route to this sacred space, the doors are literally opening like the temple.

Cilia: Mm-hmm… I’d love to hear about your shift moment, cuz you mentioned that you remembered when you had that shift of “oh, pussy, that word pussy doesn’t trigger me.”

LaVina: Yeah. It was actually recently about cock

Cilia: Okay

LaVina: Yeah, I was just with my girlfriend and we were just watching the sweetest thing. This was just two days ago, and I forget exactly what our exchange was, but I was like, I said something and used the word cock, like it just came out of my mouth and I remember having a thought,” oh, did that feel uncomfortable for her to hear me saying that word?”

Just, it was like a passing thought. Oh, was that uncomfortable for her? Wow. This is something that now feels natural for me to express in this way because of the healing that I’ve done with the masculine. And just, and in sexuality, you know, it’s not derogatory or gross or shameful. It’s this sacred wand I love to worship.

Cilia: I love that!!

The Full Spectrum of Human

LaVina: Yeah, so that was just two days ago. It used to feel like it had to be kind of like only in a sexual, maybe. Mm-hmm. performative, or it has this raunchy essence about it, but I feel that something that Tantra has brought me into is welcoming a grander spectrum, the full spectrum, and it’s this integration of the sacred and the profane.

It’s like emerging of opposites. Letting it all be here and yeah, it’s all divine.

Cilia: I love that. I don’t know too much about tantra. That’s cool to to know that it’s like emerging of those two, and I don’t even know where to start with like asking you more about it.

LaVina: You don’t have to. It’s really, I mean, because I feel like the essence that I’ve received from entering the realms of Tantra has really just my spiritual path has evolved over the years and I remember initially learning things that were more designed for the people who have space to meditate all day.

You know, the monks that would be up in a cave and in that, yeah, the theory is like, I am not this, I’m not this, I’m not this, I’m not this.

And in entering this realm of spirituality [tantra], it’s like, I am this, I am this. I am this. I am this. I am the light. I am the dark. I am the masculine. I am the feminine. I am spirit. I am batter. I am sacred. I am profane.

You know, I have the capacity to be everything because it’s all that is is. I’m part of duality and I’m part of wholeness. Or am wholeness. I am part of duality and I am wholeness.

Cilia: Mm-hmm, Yeah. It’s interesting too how, I think from what I remember from one of your master classes you had, that you started on this path with yoga. Is that right?

LaVina: Yeah.

Dismantling from yoga & purity type of culture

Cilia: Okay, me too. And I remember in yoga teacher training, there was a yama about abstaining from sex.

LaVina: Yeah. Oh my gosh. That just gave me chills and I felt almost my heart skip a beat and a clog come into my throat. Because yeah, that’s what’s taught in widespread across spirituality.

And as the collective consciousness seems to be evolving, maybe it’s just the bubble that I see myself in, but I see it happening, you know? Yeah. Yoga is, it’s just everywhere, right? And it feels like these things are really… their tendrils are expanding across a wider spread. People are having access to this, and there’s not a lot about sacred sexuality.

If anything, sex is being still suppressed and shut down and shamed. So yeah, that abstinence was there, and then how could guilt not be there? It’s like, okay, I’m not a spiritual person if I have desires. My desires cause suffering.

It’s like “release all desires”, but like I’m human!!

Cilia: Yeah.

LaVina: My desires are divine inspiration. I feel like my work is very focused on illuminating desires and moving with them rather than turning away or ignoring them.

Cilia: You also bring to mind something that like I’m going through currently with this piece of I’m human and like my desires causing suffering and guilt and shame. When I was 16, I became vegetarian and I didn’t become vegan until I was in yoga teacher training cuz it was required for our training.

Lavina: Oh, was it immersive? It was like an immersive, or they were like, do this while you’re in the training.

Cilia: It was do it while you’re in the training and it was a six month long training. I did a training that was on weekends and was longer. I felt like doing a few days wasn’t enough to integrate and soak it in.

Lavina: Yeah. I love this. Yeah.

Cilia: So, during the pandemic, I started consuming more eggs and more fish. And now I’m going through learning more about the womb. I recently got my IUD taken out and I’m like realizing that I think my body needs like more animal products.

And then I’m thinking about like the suffering and all this stuff I like learned in my yoga practice. Both the food choices and the sexuality are like things that need to be dismantled, you know, from like when you start from the path of yoga, there’s… it’s interesting how there’s even limiting constructs and conditioning within something that is so beautiful.

Embracing the DARK

Lavina: Yeah. Wow. That gave me chills. And, and thinking about that animal, earth, matter. This is the dark or more dense. It’s more dense. And that’s part of what is pushed away. I think it’s the density, the darkness. As if it’s wrong or bad.

Cilia: Oooo, I feel that!

LaVina: Yeah. And so you have the forever access to Embodied liberation and I have a bonus masterclass, and it’s called Seeing in the Dark.

Cilia: Ooh

LaVina: Yeah. It’s this really powerful teaching I learned through the International School of Temple Arts. ISTA. Changed my life. And it’s about recognizing our full spectrum.

Again, the light, the dark, the masculine, the feminine, and the cross sections of each of them. And then the void space, the nothingness, and also the everything. And in inquiring, if we were to maybe survey across a hundred people, what comes to mind or what do you feel when you think of the dark? And maybe I’ll just ask you like what comes to mind when you think of darkness? What kind of words? What emotions? What comes up?

Cilia: I think of loss, losing a loved one or going through a breakup or even depression. Depression, sadness. I think of sadness mostly.

LaVina: Okay, yeah. And then if you were to qualify that like desirable and desirable..? If you were to qualify those things that come up with darkness, what would you say?

Cilia: I mean, I would say it’s undesirable because that’s how I was taught, but at this point in my life, when I feel something that’s making me sad, I’m like, oooh, okay.. I’m just gonna fully like, be like romantically sad and like allow myself to cry.

Because through it, huge things are gonna open up. My last huge thing like that was in 2019 when I had a relationship that ended things. It was my first time not being the one to end the relationship. So it was my first time getting dumped and it was so hard, it sucked.

BUT at the same time it was the most beautiful experience I’ve ever been through.

LaVina: Ok, good, yeah that sounds like an initiation

(we has a cat interruption here, go see the youtube 😂)

LaVina: Okay, so depression, sadness, death. Death is definitely coming into that realm of darkness. But death is also a part of life. The first time I ever heard that, it was like 🤯🤯

Death is a part of life. Life doesn’t end. Life is eternal. Life is all it is, and death is a part of it.

Is like, whoa.

Cilia: Full body chills.

LaVina: Yeah, I feel there’s a lot of fear in the darkness and so it gets pushed into the unconscious. It gets pushed down and suppressed and repressed rather than welcomed, integrated, and expressed.

So there’s been a total shift in my experience in welcoming the darkness and reclaiming the darkness. Raw, primal, carnal power. It’s so powerful, the dark feminine. Or this serpentine essence. And also the dark masculine.

I really was able to heal something that was stored as trauma as in the realm of me being the victim of all my past relationships. Being toxic, where I was manipulated and emotionally abused, and it was just really, really toxic and all the healing that I’d done around, I was still holding myself as the victim of those scenarios.

You know, I was the innocent one in a way. So through this teaching of, it’s called the Cross or four altars, which is the light, the dark, the masculine and feminine, and in reclaiming my dark masculine. I had an experience where my physical body was in excruciating pain.

I was doing some emotional release because of something that was connected to a sexual experience with my partner. Something came up and he was like, “well, why don’t you go into some emotional release?”

So I started to do a pillow pound, but I had tucked my head in a certain way, I got a ping in my neck and it shot all the way down my back, and it was some of the most excruciating pain. It was on the nerve. I pulled a muscle and I was like, oh, oh my goodness. I couldn’t move my neck.

And there were other situations that added to the intensity of it. It was my friend’s bachelorette party. I had invested hundreds of dollars to go to that couldn’t go, felt the scarcity. It was just everything was piling up.

There was fear, there was scarcity, there was shame around sexuality. It was all of these energies and so I had to let go of all of my responsibilities and be completely still. I started to zoom into the sensation in my neck and I was moving very slowly to reach the peak of intensity, the peak of the pain.

And doing it slowly so that I could breathe through it and maintain ease in my nervous system, but going to the peak of intensity of the pain and watching it.

So I’m turning my head really slowly and it’s like surging down my back, there’s heat and I’m watching all of the sensation, you know, the pings, electricity. And as I was holding presents with the intensity of pain, I started getting flashes of these memories from these past relationships.

I wasn’t thinking of that initially. It was the pain and going to that peak of intensity that brought these, these stories to my, the forefront of my awareness, right? So I saw a flash of when I was 16 years old, hiding under my first boyfriend’s sister’s bed, naked.

And his dad had come home and was opening the door. It was one of the most intense experiences of my life at that time. So that memory it’s been stored in my body. I turned to that peak of intensity with my neck. I saw the flash of it, and rather than being the victim and feeling like, Ugh, whatever stories could have been paired with that, I was like, this is mine.

When there are bigger emotions or pain or trauma or certain things that hold that darker energy, it’s not something that we just need to shower with light or breathe through it and be peace. It’s like, no I’m gonna fucking eat this. I’m going to devour it and consume it. You know, it’s like, it’s a whole different energy in order to integrate certain parts of ourselves.

I started to go like drinking it in through a straw. And I actually could see that time space pulling into me and going down into my root into my sacral and root centers. Which like I was calling that back, reclaiming that power and then more pieces started to show up.

Each of these moments that were held as memories of me being the victim from the distorted or immature, dark masculine. I reclaimed it as my own so that I could then embody the mature and I integrated dark masculine.

Because it was in the unconscious [the dark masculine], I was for a decade of my life attracting these patterned relationships of manipulation, lying, cheating and drug abuse and things like that.

But I was really just searching for the dark masculine. I wanted it because it was completely unknown to me. My unconscious was calling that into my field so that I could integrate it as my own power.

Cilia: It’s so beautiful and interesting how what we go through is like what we need always for our spiritual evolution.

LaVina: Always. Right. Always

Cilia: Yeah, thank you for sharing that

LaVina: Yeah, thanks for listening.

Cilia: I think what’s interesting too about how both this death piece and sexuality piece are so oppressed and kind of like hidden behind closed doors or, kind of like touched up, you know? Yeah. Like when someone dies, putting makeup on their body and all this stuff.

So there’s this like oppression of it. And at the same time, I feel like as a collective, there’s this craving and this wanting of wanting to work on that because there’s such an obsession with death and with sexuality.

There’s so many true crime shows that are really popular and even like things like zombie shows. And people love it.

LaVina: Yep, yes and it’s all externalized. It’s like a longing to have this part be seen because it’s not welcomed internally. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with wanting to see or you know, to experience it, but yeah, because of the suppression internally, it’s just gets projected externally.

Cilia: Mm-hmm, yeah.

On Eating Meat…

LaVina: Yeah, and I think this, the meat piece, the death and there’s kind of just… If there’s not space to really fully look and acknowledge death, then the eating of meat is, it’s kind of like, okay, well I’m just doing this thing.

But to bridge that gap to actually welcome me and recognize the life and the death cycle and that it’s fueling my body and nourishing my body…t’s actually so sacred. And this is what humans were doing at the beginning of starting to evolve, you know, humans were eating meat.

And it’s also different in different areas, people’s heritage there’s no one size fits all.

[We need to ask] What really feels true? And if there’s guilt or shame, then that’s a nice place to look. How can I zoom in to where there’s guilt or shame and see what’s actually being asked?

What’s actually being asked maybe to be there for the moment of the animal dying to actually witness life, leaving its eyes. And to offer reverence and be like, wow, now I get to welcome this into my body. You know? And giving thanks to the spirit that was willing to move on to offer its body.

Yeah, because I resonate with that as well. I didn’t eat meat for maybe, 8-10 years and recently, and it was in the same. In that same timeframe of integrating these darker pieces that I started to open to eating meat again. Yeah…

Cilia: (crying at this point) What always comes up for me, for some reason is… I have this weird connection and love for cows. And when you were talking about seeing the life leave their eyes I was just like, no, I don’t wanna do that 😢, you know?

But this is such juicy stuff to sit with because we’re animals too.

LaVina: Yeah

Cilia: And this piece of being compassionate, the best analogy I can come up with is: if you have a cat, for example, if you feed your cat a vegan diet, is that compassionate?

LaVina: Right?

Cilia: No, it’s not

LaVina: Yeah.

Cilia: Yeah…this is the first time I’ve cried on the podcast, thank you

LaVina: Aww. Happy anniversary. (this was recorded just after the podcast’s first anniversary)

Taking things a whole new layer, right? Wow. That’s really special. I love it.

Cilia: Thank you. But yeah, for some reason cows come up for me. That’s the one animal I’m having a really hard time with as of now. The belief I have now is I will never eat cow ever. And dairy, my body doesn’t do well with, so yeah.

But I will admit, it smells really good

LaVina: Right

Cilia: If I smell someone else having a burger or a steak, I’m like wow that smells delicious.

And then again, there’s that separation with our food. Like, we don’t call it cow, we call it beef. We don’t call things that they are except for chicken. For some reason we still call it chicken.

LaVina: that’s probably the one that’s the most integrated.

Cilia: Yeah, I don’t have a problem with, I’ve had it a few times this year. My body has a hard time digesting it obviously cause it’s been such a long time. I probably need to get some Papaya enzymes or something for the next time.

But even Turkey, we call Turkey. Turkey. Like we don’t have,

LaVina: it’s so interesting. Yeah, I didn’t even think about that until just now.

Cilia: I wonder if, for me, if that’s why I don’t have such a hard time accepting eating birds

LaVina: Right. Duck is one

Cilia: Duck, I dunno if I would be.. They’re so cute

LaVina: They’re so cute. I know. And that’s, that’s again, for each person different. You know, maybe you that feeling with cows, maybe it’s, that’s just how it is for you.

I feel like there is this piece of becoming all of it and merging. And allowing eating to be that depth of ceremony as often as possible. I remember reading it was one of Ram Das’s books, I’m forgetting the title right now, but he was sharing how people reached Samati through eating. Taking minimal 20 to 30 bites per bite and being so present and seeing that whole, everything that led up to it being right here in front of us.

And then to bring life into our bodies is life merging with life. And it can be… it, everything can be a spiritual experience, you know? So if there is that desire and such a strong connection to the animal, then maybe that becomes a ritual in itself to go to a farm.

Cilia: There’s actually a farm here where they do cow hugging therapy

LaVina: Oh wow. And do they not use their cows for meat or do they also-

Cilia: No, I think it’s a rescue farm.

LaVina: Oh, that’s cool

Cilia: It’s called the gentle barn

LaVina: Haha. That’s so cute. So maybe that, that’s a fun one too. And then also if there was a desire to eat that meat, then to experience the closeness in close proximity, going to a farm where it is, the place where they, they have cows for, but they’re just doing it ethically. There are farms that love their cows.

This is a deep topic. You know, this could be really triggering for a lot of people.

Cilia: Yeah. For sure.

LaVina: But that’s, that’s great too. Triggers are, triggers are so great. They’re so, mm-hmm. illuminating.

Cilia: Yeah. The trigger’s like, hey, there’s something over here! There’s some darkness here for you to sit with.

Sometimes it’s like, Hey, here’s a way of being that someone is being, that you don’t allow yourself to be for some reason.

LaVina: Right. That’s what I think the darkness is so often confused or blended with the shadow, and when things are in the shadow, that’s where the toxicity comes from or the, the distortion.

And once the shadow is integrated, then the darkness just actually becomes power. Like sacred rage.

Cilia: Mm-hmm, Yeah. Sacred rage is so, so beautiful. I have a client who has a son who’s 3 and we did Sacred Rage together and she does it with her son now.

LaVina: That’s amazing

Cilia: Super helpful. All that testosterone in his little, in his little body,it really helps him.

LaVina: Yeah, gosh emotional release tools 🔥 are a game changer to have ways to move big energy so it doesn’t get stuck or frozen or lodged. Just keep the life force flowing.

What does Self Love mean to you?

LaVina: Stepping outside of myself to really see myself and to listen to welcome all parts of myself. And when I say listen, it’s like what is my body communicating? And to listen and then to follow through, to give myself that self-love, seeing myself listening, following through with that inner guidance.

And also loving all being that that is the self in truth. So it’s self love, loving the individual self as a gateway to remembering the truth of who I am.

What makes you feel the most grounded?

LaVina: . . Ooh, this is fun Dance. I get pretty high from dance though. It makes me feel the most embodied. When I feel embodied, I feel that I am clear and centered, and grounded.

And being in nature, of course. Watching how the elements express themselves as a reminder of my nature.

What’s your favorite part about being a woman?

The first thing that came through was about radiance. Just welcoming and embracing my radiance and my emotionality, my bigness, my expression. These feel like qualities of the divine feminine that I’ve done a lot of work to really step into, to land in confidence and in empowerment.

The ability to be my fullest self and allow that radiance to be magnetic, you know, to trust in my essence to allow that to be enough.

Where to find LaVina & more about her work:

My instagram is LaVina.Embodied. Embodiment feels like a core piece of my work. Soul embodiment. I’m a soul embodiment mentor, which for me means really tapping into the divine essence of the one soul of who we are. You know, source, great spirit, love, how that essence can really fully land in the temple body, in this temple that is our home.

So yeah, our spirit landing fully in every part of our body and our being and being a walking embodiment of the eternal. So soul embodiment, and I am also a sexual shamanic practitioner, I just graduated the ISTA practitioner training and I’ve been offering sexual shamanic body work sessions, and it’s also working with energy and different tools, emotional release.

And this is a skillful use of sexual energy and activating pleasure in the body for healing, expansion, transformation, manifestation, amplification of desires. And yeah, just actualizing our desires. So that’s been so amazing.

We’re tapping into true magic. You know, sexual energy is, is life force. It is creation. It’s how we came to exist. And so working with that energy is just so powerful and so sacred, and it feels like in coming into this, I feel like I’ve tapped into these ancient codes, like from ancient Egypt goddess Isis and her lineage, and this like, Sexual sorcery, It’s really, really powerful.

I’m offering in-person sessions. I’m currently based in just outside of Philadelphia in the United States, and I also travel, um, going to Guatemala around La Gu in just two. To offer my first woman’s gathering an eight day immersive experience called the Shakti Experience.

That’s November 5th to the 12th, which I don’t think this will be out before then, right?

Cilia: No, next year, but maybe it’ll be happening again and maybe there’ll be a waitlist in the show notes? (Reach out to LaVina if you’re interested in this!)

LaVina: Yeah. Seriously, we feel it. It’s happening. We’re probably gonna book the same space. It’s called Arco isis it’s so, so beautiful. And yeah, I am open to one-on-one work. I also love offering group containers and most of my offerings are on my Instagram: @lavina.embodied

I’ll share this too, I birthed a mentorship called the Awaken and Embodied mentorship. This is going to be evolving into a six month mastermind that is a school because, you know, I do feel that there are a lot of coaches in the industry that may have gone to learn about coaching, but haven’t really learned so many tools to hold their clients in a really deep. So I wanna offer tools, right?

Cilia: Yeah, I’ve been in a space like that where it’s like “float out of your body and out of the emotions”.

LaVina: Yeah.

Cilia: “And look at what’s below you.” And I’m like, but I wanna cry. .

LaVina: Yeah, there’s a lot of bypassing. And I’m all about like going right into all that stuff, like digging into it. Almost to a fault, I think is, it can be a lot for people in my field, but, that’s what I’m here for. I’m here for the real deal.

If there’s something in the field that’s creating a block, then let’s just look at. Let’s go into it. There’s nothing to run from nowhere else to be than here.

Cilia: Mm-hmm.

LaVina: Yeah, so that will be evolving into a six month mastermind. That’s essentially a school for those who want to develop. Of course, it’ll be a, a deep journey for the, the individual, and it’ll offer tools to then share, to hold space for others in a really powerful way.